Dudes, here’s a good one, learn from it… Except don’t use text-talk - intelligent girls really hate that.
Online Dude: Wow, I’m sure you’ve heard this but your eyes cast a spell both beautiful and menacing I would almost be afraid to meet u in person lest I be charmed into a state of complete submission.
Now of course, the dude is only reacting to my looks, but he is a dude after all; one step at a time.
Dude who’s emailed me 3 times in the past 2 hours just because I clicked on your profile: creepy and not cool.
Online Dude: Pivot tables? Oh my. You poor soul. When you write your book will there be any extracts of pivot tables in it? (Please, no.) Why do men try to comfort you with lies? What on Earth is wrong with the truth? It can’t be that bad can it?
Me: Oh my. HOW RUDE CAN YOU BE!!! Dude trying to be amusing through insults is a really bad idea.
Grade: too low to even mention.
Me: Dudes, in general, do you think that you could kind of keep track of what emails you send to whom? You have no idea how many of you send me multiple emails over the course of 2 weeks, seemingly unknowingly. Makes you look kinda dumb. Just saying.
Online Dude (after I checked out his profile because he had emailed me): I see you viewed me. I had hoped for a message from you. I would enjoy meeting you I am quite certain. I wonder if you would be interested in that sometime?
Me: Dude, if I was interested, I woulda responded to your first email. Don’t be so damned desparate; it’s unbecoming.
Grade: D —
Online Dude: I don’t like cats, is that a deal breaker?
Me: YES! I have in my profile that I have 2 cats you dunce. And yes, especially since you claim to be 55 and look about 65. Never trust a man who doesn’t like animals.
Online Dude: HI I LIKE WHAT I SEE WOW!!!!!!!!!!YEA BAB Y
Online Dude: Hi - It is wonderful as you wrote that one of your highest priorities is ” Loving my children.” My two boys are my treasurers. For my work I provide financing to physicians and veterinarians. A typical loan is $75k for an ultrasound to an OB/GYN or $35k for a digital x-ray to a Veterinarian.
Me: Dude! Thank you so much!! I’ve been dying to know how much a typical loan to an OB/GYN was for an ultrasound.
Grade: D- for stupidity.
Online Dude with whom I had been trying to set up a lunch meet, which I had to reschedule at the last minute (around midnight that evening, via text): So what’s up with us?
Me: Us? Seriously? Dude, there is no us. Don’t call me I’ll call you. I don’t do high-maintenance.
Remember Hairy Chest Online Dude from a couple weeks ago? He’s got a hairy nose too…
And he sent two more emails:
email #1: my love………….
email #2: i dream of u……………
Me: creepier and creepier
Grade: next time I’m reporting you.
Online Dude: I think we need to cuddle
Me: Really, and what do you expect on the first date then?
Grade: D -
Online Dude: Hey, sexy baby.
Me: This is from the same hairy chest dude who wrote “hey beautiful” a couple weeks ago. So, you still have the hairy chest, but now you’ve made me feel cheap. Thanks dude, but no thanks.